Today, I was Mystery Reader at Jack’s school. Remember when I said I couldn’t figure out what to read? Well I finally gave in and went with one of our favorites Room on the Broom which technically might qualify as more of a Halloween pick than a Thanksgiving tale, but I don’t care. I loved it. The kids loved it. And I’m told that I’m the only parent who the kids ever begged to “Read it again!” Which, of course, I gladly did with even more gusto.

It’s a gift. Everyone has to have a certain arsenal of “Mad Skillz”. Unfortunately, none of mine seem to fit snugly on a resume. C’est la vie. I’m still sitting here, basking in the glow of my own awesomeness, while all my insecurities are away on a temporary leave of absence. I wonder what it would take to get those bastards to STAY gone?

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Here we see two of our Spider Friends, Tom and Sam, putting on their base layer. I will probably never be forgiven for this picture.

And here we see Spider Friend Will’s feelings about his base layer,

…his spider costume,

…and his spider hat.

Honestly, this is what Will thought of 2006, 2007 and much of 2008. But things did eventually get better. We managed one good pic of everyone, but if you look closely you’ll notice the sparkle of fresh tears in each of the Spider Friends’ eyes.

Here we are at our finest Halloween hour, The Year of the Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs. I think this will always stand out as the ultimate in themed costumes for all four boys. Can’t you just hear Tom saying, “You a pink piggy, Sammy!”

In 2009, Spiderman had grown into this cocky little Fire Chief.

And where’s a fire chief without his band of firemen? Here’s Sam almost ready to go.

Will, complete with fire truck props in the background. You have to appreciate the level of commitment there.

And then there’s Tom, doing…well, only Tom knows for sure.

And this brings us to 2010 — The Year Where Everyone Picks Their Own Costume. Sam and Will are Wolverine and Thomas the Tank Engine respectively. And both have indulged heavily in Mommy’s Vampire Punch — somehow it just tastes better on Halloween than it does every other day of the year (when we call it Fruit Punch).

Tom is Captain America and Jack is a Ghostbuster. And of course, both of them are very scary.

The best part was Tom’s commitment to character. He corrected all and sundry who made the mistake of calling him Tom by pointing to his chest and saying with just the right hint of disdain, “That’s Captain America!”

No wait! Maybe the best part was Jack’s getting a kiss on the cheek from the cutest girl in his kindergarten class. “She loves me,” he informed me. “And I think she likes me, too!”

Or was the best part Will’s permanent Vampire Punch mustache that outlasted his bath and is still holding on this evening?

No, the best part was Sam placidly kicking back on the hay munching candy as Will and Tom scurried from house to house collecting handouts. “Don’t you want to trick or treat anymore, Sam?” I asked.

“No,” he replied around a mouthful of chocolate. “My Will gonna get me canny. I just riding.”

Nice.

I’m with you Sam. Just along for the ride.

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So I’m reading a book called Vanilla Ride by a guy called Joe R. Lansdale. And I’m thinking of it as a mostly southern novel (any novel that incorporates the word peckerwood appropriately in a sentence is a winner for me), until I found the believability grinding to a screeching halt over a minor yet crucial detail. The lead characters are out fishing and they’ve brought bologna sandwiches with mayonnaise for their trip. Not feelin’ me? I said bologna with MAYONNAISE — a combination that simply does not exist in nature, or at least not in Southern culture as I know it.

Mayonnaise is useful for only one of three things: 1) Tomato sandwiches on white bread (brings you closer to God) 2) Potato Salad (a crowd pleaser, particularly when you add mustard, dill pickle relish and pimento stuffed olives) and 3) Deviled Eggs (although sight of an egg plate always begs the question “Who died?”). If you dip into the mayonnaise jar for any reason outside these three you could be tried for heresy in 3 out of four Southern towns.

Let’s face it. When you grow up in the South, particularly when you grow up in a financial tier well below that bright, shiny “middle-class”, you learn pretty quickly the value of masking the inherent flavor of whatever it is you happen to be eating at the time — hence our heartfelt appreciation of a nice bottle of yellow mustard.

Mustard’s good on meatloaf sandwiches, can even make leftover canned SPAM sandwiches palatable (sort of, as long as you can consume the entire portion without actually looking at it or questioning what that particularly chewy bit might have been), and is absolutely the only appropriate condiment for bologna (pronounced baloney, ’cause who are you trying to impress, peckerwood?) –preferably stick bologna from a roadside store that also sells bait, kerosene and pit barbecue from a giant black drum out back. Not that I’ve ever turned my nose up at the pre-sliced stuff, but I’m just sharing with you the bologna ideal here.

So, back to Vanilla Ride — once the mayonnaise-on-bologna detail forced me to suspend my suspended disbelief (did I lose you on that one?), I began to contemplate what his characters really should have carried with them on their trip, and it came to me without effort, memories of rented flat-bottom boats or just good ol’ bank side fishing trips rushing to the fore.

1) Vienna sausages (canned with a pop-top, easy to get to when you need them and completely temperature stable)

2) Saltine crackers (salty, delicious, and hard enough so you can pretend the bait funk isn’t rubbing off your fingers onto your lunch)

3) Bottle of mustard (see above)

4) Styrofoam ice chest filled with your soda of choice (ours always included Grapico, Orangico or Peach Nehi — we did like our sugar-laden, artificially fruit-flavored drinks way back when — RC cola was usually present, but I have to admit, I hated the stuff)

5) Moon Pies and Little Debbie Cakes!!! (temperature stable and delicious. Plus, they’re individually wrapped for your protection –see “Bait Funk” above)

Now that I’ve cleared up this small but troubling matter, I’m off to read a bit more of Vanilla Ride as I’m kind of a fan of this Texas-based author. Maybe that’s the whole problem. Texas really isn’t all that Southern in the traditional sense. More South-western. Maybe they do things a bit differently over there. I’m willing to extend them the benefit of the doubt. Just don’t ask me to eat  mayonnaise on my bologna, okay?

For my next food rant, we’ll discuss the importance and appropriate usage of hot sauce. Hint — Tabasco Brand hot sauce is a lie only yankees believe. Much love to ya!

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*FYI, Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography is a really interesting read, plus it’s a FREE download on Kindle which makes it even more enjoyable. And in case you ever doubted I was dyed-in-the-wool dork, now you have written evidence of same.

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And now, I’m off to comfort exceedingly whiny children.

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What’s that? You want me to actually tell you something about it first? Fine. But I’m going to refer to you as “high maintenance” from this day forward.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is the first work of non-fiction from Swedish author, Stieg Larsson. Interesting backstory on the author…Larsson was the well-known editor in chief of Expo magazine (Sweden). He began writing this book, followed by the two others in what is now being called his Millenium Trilogy, as a form of entertainment for himself, a way to free his mind after a long day at the office. He never even tried to have them published until shortly before his death in 2004.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is ultimately a crime novel in the vein of Agatha Christie, Dorothy Sayers and others — which Larsson openly acknowledged as influences. There is the same layering of characters, interweaving of backstory, and ultimately a shocking reveal (which honestly, I saw coming, but the book is so well-written, I didn’t even care). But the gritty edge Larsson adds to his characters is unique. He also does a good job of establishing place and setting — something I worried about when I started the novel, fearing that my complete lack of knowledge of anything Swedish would hamper my enjoyment of the story. This fear proved to be completely baseless, and I was off and running within the first few pages.

One of the primary attractions of the novel is the main female character, Lisbeth Salander. Lisbeth’s almost superhuman ability to gather information, using means both fair and foul, is in direct contrast to her abysmal lack of social skills. In another interesting aside, Larsson claimed to have based Lisbeth on the beloved children’s book character, Pippi Longstocking, And the parallels are easy to see, coarse behavior, a distrust of adults, and a clear — if skewed — sense of justice.

Seeing how her personality evolves under the influence and encouragement of the male lead, Carl Mikael Blomkvist, would be entertainment enough. But coupling their chemistry with the decades old mystery that they are drawn together to solve makes for a book that is difficult to put down.

At a whopping 590 pages, this one may seem a little daunting. But I picked it up on a Tuesday and had finished it by Wednesday night — it’s that engrossing. Also, I fed the kids PBJ two nights running and let them skip their bath. But in the long run, is that really bad parenting? Don’t answer that, just head to your nearest bookseller and pick up your copy today.

If you live in the Vestavia Hills area of Birmingham, AL, why not make your bookseller of choice Milestone Books? Locally owned and operated, Linda is personally responsible for recommending this book to me. I believe my request was “something that won’t make me think too hard, but won’t actively suck out IQ points.” This book more than fit the bill, and I’m sure she has a wonderful recommendation waiting for you, too.

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…If you’ve read Life of Pi and understand the part toward the end with the mysterious island (I don’t want to say more because I don’t want to ruin anything for anyone who hasn’t read it), could you please leave a comment or message me directly at jodi@thedrunch.com and explain to me what the @#$% was going on there? I read this book at least 2 years ago and the island bit has been bugging me ever since.

Thanks for helping a sister out! The next round’s on me!

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