Today, I was Mystery Reader at Jack’s school. Remember when I said I couldn’t figure out what to read? Well I finally gave in and went with one of our favorites Room on the Broom which technically might qualify as more of a Halloween pick than a Thanksgiving tale, but I don’t care. I loved it. The kids loved it. And I’m told that I’m the only parent who the kids ever begged to “Read it again!” Which, of course, I gladly did with even more gusto.

It’s a gift. Everyone has to have a certain arsenal of “Mad Skillz”. Unfortunately, none of mine seem to fit snugly on a resume. C’est la vie. I’m still sitting here, basking in the glow of my own awesomeness, while all my insecurities are away on a temporary leave of absence. I wonder what it would take to get those bastards to STAY gone?

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Here we see two of our Spider Friends, Tom and Sam, putting on their base layer. I will probably never be forgiven for this picture.

And here we see Spider Friend Will’s feelings about his base layer,

…his spider costume,

…and his spider hat.

Honestly, this is what Will thought of 2006, 2007 and much of 2008. But things did eventually get better. We managed one good pic of everyone, but if you look closely you’ll notice the sparkle of fresh tears in each of the Spider Friends’ eyes.

Here we are at our finest Halloween hour, The Year of the Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs. I think this will always stand out as the ultimate in themed costumes for all four boys. Can’t you just hear Tom saying, “You a pink piggy, Sammy!”

In 2009, Spiderman had grown into this cocky little Fire Chief.

And where’s a fire chief without his band of firemen? Here’s Sam almost ready to go.

Will, complete with fire truck props in the background. You have to appreciate the level of commitment there.

And then there’s Tom, doing…well, only Tom knows for sure.

And this brings us to 2010 — The Year Where Everyone Picks Their Own Costume. Sam and Will are Wolverine and Thomas the Tank Engine respectively. And both have indulged heavily in Mommy’s Vampire Punch — somehow it just tastes better on Halloween than it does every other day of the year (when we call it Fruit Punch).

Tom is Captain America and Jack is a Ghostbuster. And of course, both of them are very scary.

The best part was Tom’s commitment to character. He corrected all and sundry who made the mistake of calling him Tom by pointing to his chest and saying with just the right hint of disdain, “That’s Captain America!”

No wait! Maybe the best part was Jack’s getting a kiss on the cheek from the cutest girl in his kindergarten class. “She loves me,” he informed me. “And I think she likes me, too!”

Or was the best part Will’s permanent Vampire Punch mustache that outlasted his bath and is still holding on this evening?

No, the best part was Sam placidly kicking back on the hay munching candy as Will and Tom scurried from house to house collecting handouts. “Don’t you want to trick or treat anymore, Sam?” I asked.

“No,” he replied around a mouthful of chocolate. “My Will gonna get me canny. I just riding.”

Nice.

I’m with you Sam. Just along for the ride.

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So I’m reading a book called Vanilla Ride by a guy called Joe R. Lansdale. And I’m thinking of it as a mostly southern novel (any novel that incorporates the word peckerwood appropriately in a sentence is a winner for me), until I found the believability grinding to a screeching halt over a minor yet crucial detail. The lead characters are out fishing and they’ve brought bologna sandwiches with mayonnaise for their trip. Not feelin’ me? I said bologna with MAYONNAISE — a combination that simply does not exist in nature, or at least not in Southern culture as I know it.

Mayonnaise is useful for only one of three things: 1) Tomato sandwiches on white bread (brings you closer to God) 2) Potato Salad (a crowd pleaser, particularly when you add mustard, dill pickle relish and pimento stuffed olives) and 3) Deviled Eggs (although sight of an egg plate always begs the question “Who died?”). If you dip into the mayonnaise jar for any reason outside these three you could be tried for heresy in 3 out of four Southern towns.

Let’s face it. When you grow up in the South, particularly when you grow up in a financial tier well below that bright, shiny “middle-class”, you learn pretty quickly the value of masking the inherent flavor of whatever it is you happen to be eating at the time — hence our heartfelt appreciation of a nice bottle of yellow mustard.

Mustard’s good on meatloaf sandwiches, can even make leftover canned SPAM sandwiches palatable (sort of, as long as you can consume the entire portion without actually looking at it or questioning what that particularly chewy bit might have been), and is absolutely the only appropriate condiment for bologna (pronounced baloney, ’cause who are you trying to impress, peckerwood?) –preferably stick bologna from a roadside store that also sells bait, kerosene and pit barbecue from a giant black drum out back. Not that I’ve ever turned my nose up at the pre-sliced stuff, but I’m just sharing with you the bologna ideal here.

So, back to Vanilla Ride — once the mayonnaise-on-bologna detail forced me to suspend my suspended disbelief (did I lose you on that one?), I began to contemplate what his characters really should have carried with them on their trip, and it came to me without effort, memories of rented flat-bottom boats or just good ol’ bank side fishing trips rushing to the fore.

1) Vienna sausages (canned with a pop-top, easy to get to when you need them and completely temperature stable)

2) Saltine crackers (salty, delicious, and hard enough so you can pretend the bait funk isn’t rubbing off your fingers onto your lunch)

3) Bottle of mustard (see above)

4) Styrofoam ice chest filled with your soda of choice (ours always included Grapico, Orangico or Peach Nehi — we did like our sugar-laden, artificially fruit-flavored drinks way back when — RC cola was usually present, but I have to admit, I hated the stuff)

5) Moon Pies and Little Debbie Cakes!!! (temperature stable and delicious. Plus, they’re individually wrapped for your protection –see “Bait Funk” above)

Now that I’ve cleared up this small but troubling matter, I’m off to read a bit more of Vanilla Ride as I’m kind of a fan of this Texas-based author. Maybe that’s the whole problem. Texas really isn’t all that Southern in the traditional sense. More South-western. Maybe they do things a bit differently over there. I’m willing to extend them the benefit of the doubt. Just don’t ask me to eat  mayonnaise on my bologna, okay?

For my next food rant, we’ll discuss the importance and appropriate usage of hot sauce. Hint — Tabasco Brand hot sauce is a lie only yankees believe. Much love to ya!

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I bought one of these…

…but still can’t figure out how to use it. It looked a lot easier on YouTube.

I was really excited to receive this in the mail…

…and it was full of all these fun things…

…but not really all I was hoping for. It’s fun to get mail, but not fun to pay $33 for something that, ultimately, is of no use whatsoever.

Then we went on vacation where the boys and I spent tons of time at the beach and in the pool. Sadly all those pictures are on Tessa’s camera, and until I get copies, you’ll just have to take my word for it. But Jason did go fishing, where he caught a bunch of these:

…and saw a bunch of these:

And laughed himself silly over this:

Then, as we were frying up all those fish, I caught a glimpse of my rearview…

…and realized a diet had become mandatory. So I’m now a member of Weight Watchers Online. Lovely. If you’re suffering there, too, look me up! I’m registered under The Drunch and need all the support I can get.

Last week was pretty horrible, as Sam had (and still seems to have) a pretty vicious case of stomach flu. There are no pictures.

You’re welcome.

That brings us to today. Wherein Will enjoys a chocolate doughnut while trying to touch his nose with his tongue…

And Gus lurks nearby — ever hopeful…

Which gives Sam a fit of the giggles…

And leaves Tom plenty of time to clean up before I can get any embarrassing photos of him.

Now Jack and Jason are at the movies catching the afternoon showing of Iron Man 2 and Sam, Tom and Will are taking turns being the baby while the other two boys are the mom and dad. Babies apparently cry a lot and demand that their “mother” bring them cups of apple juice to make them feel better. Pretty spot on so far. Don’t you wish you were here?

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*FYI, Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography is a really interesting read, plus it’s a FREE download on Kindle which makes it even more enjoyable. And in case you ever doubted I was dyed-in-the-wool dork, now you have written evidence of same.

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via: loafersansocks

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Back to Bells…she was one of the first non-family members to notice my early attempts at blogging. She’s also a GREAT resource if you’re interested in starting a blog yourself and want to see how to do it right. Her content is always interesting — whether it’s original writing or photos. But be careful if you’re not a knitter, she might inspire you to try something new.

Congratulations, Bells! Just the first of many good things to come, I’m sure.

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