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How to Dispose of Halloween Candy

Dump it all into a big pile. Pick out the things that are just too difficult to feed toddlers. Caramels? Honestly? Then take out all the generic stuff that tastes weird and isn’t worth the calories. Sample things you haven’t tried in at least 20 years. Now’N’Laters are still delicious in a weird kind of way. Now separate the chocolate from the fruity stuff — they make each other taste funny. Don’t even pretend you don’t think so, too.

Now for the most important part. Take out all the stuff that your kids will most likely take one bite of, then spit in the garbage — i.e. stuff with nuts and/or coconut. Keep all this for yourself.

Throw the rest in a bowl on the counter and tell them they can have two pieces per day (Ideally, you’ll have two bowls — one for chocolate and one for fruity stuff. Weren’t you paying attention?). Pretend you can’t hear them when they stage a coup and raid the bowl(s) while you’re busy being somewhere else. Once they’ve made themselves sick enough to never want candy again (at least until tomorrow) throw the whole mess in the garbage and declare Halloween well and truly over nearly one week after the fact.

Put your whole stash in the freezer (everyone but you thinks it’s full of nothing but vegetables). Determine to pace yourself so you’ll have one piece of candy every day for the next month. Have a PMS attack and consume the entire stash in under 8 seconds.

Thank God Halloween only comes once a year.

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7 Responses

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  1. Patty says

    I followed your advice and have completed this task for today! Thanks Jody I have accomplished something today!!

  2. jodi says

    Congratulations, Patty! You’ve completed a milestone in Jodi’s latest 12 step program “Better Living Through Chocolate, Alcohol and Pharmaceuticals.” The next step is acknowledging that your “Fat Pants” have magically morphed into your “Skinny Pants.” I like to think of this as recycling.

  3. B says

    I do this!!!!!!!! Great minds think alike.

    Plans Friday?????

  4. Kimmy says

    What is it about coconut to a kid? Spot on observations my dear. Though doesn’t the smell of all that candy in an ugly plastic pumpkin bucket whisk you back to being 10 again?

  5. Bells says

    you have thought about this WAY too hard!

  6. jodi says

    I’m kind of obsessed with chocolate. Can you tell?

  7. Tamara says

    Awesome…and I totally separate out my chocolates from everything else. And minty chocolates get their own container too! Great minds think alike!

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