On Running a Tight Ship

We like to think we run things here at Kid Central much like a military operation–complete with gross inefficiency and a screaming drill sergeant (that would be me, for those of you keeping track at home). My boys can march from one place to the next and are even starting to get the hang of “quick time,” which comes in really handy when crossing the street. But every now and again, we have to brush up on our rules of order, just to ensure we don’t descend into a pre-K version of Lord of the Flies.

New Rules:

1. Ketchup is for eating, not painting. Do not eat ketchup with your fingers. Do not wipe ketchup in strange places, like the clean diaper stack. Ketchup makes a poor lotion, and therefore you should not raise your white shirt, apply it liberally to your stomach, then pat your previously white shirt back in place.

2. When chasing your brother at full-tilt, keeping your eyes open at all times is critical for the health and safety of both you and the object of your wrath. Will, I think we all know who I’m talking to here.

3. When being chased by your brother (who may or may not have his eyes closed), stopping dead to turn around and make peace is a bad idea. Don’t get me wrong, your heart was in the right place (Sam), but one more move like that and parts of your face may not be.

4. When waiting your turn on the potty, please allow the current potty occupant ample time to finish, study his handiwork, then flush the potty HIMSELF before you attempt to intervene. In other words, he who voided it gets to flush it.

5. Jack, in reference to Rule #4 — speed up the works, son. And remind mommy to discuss with you the merits of something called a “Courtesy Flush.”