Like a lunch date with your girlfriends…minus all the empty calories
Honestly, how much time did this guy spend perfecting his signature? Because you know this was not accidental. Nope, at some point, he thought to himself, “How can I convey who I am as a person using only four letters and a few well-placed flourishes? Hmm…that’s a tough one. Wait –I’ve got it!”
I was a contestant on Jeopardy today. Drew my name so it looked like a dick. on CollegeHumor
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– July 29, 2009
See this? This is what I prefer to smell like each day. Viva la Juicy is my signature scent and I’m hopelessly addicted. As I’ve been stopped by at least 5 strangers and asked where they can find “that wonderful fragrance,” I feel comfortable I’m not that lady in the elevator that makes you hold your breath for 12 floors. Check the crawl at right to find a bottle for your very own.
But this morning, I’ve decided to go a different route. Today, instead of my usual yumminess, I’m sporting a scent we’ve experienced all too often this past weekend. A warning to any potential visitors, today’s fragrance is L’eau de Toddler — a mixture of vomit and orange pedialyte with top notes of last night’s hamburgers. I doubt it’s going to be a crowd favorite.
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– July 28, 2009
Yesterday, as I loaded the dishwasher, Jack came tearing up to me at a breakneck pace.
Jack (breathlessly): Mom! Did you see me? Did you see how fast I was going?
Me: You were going so fast, I could hardly see you at all. You were just a blur.
Jack: I think I should be called Speedlock because I’m faster than anybody else in the whole world. Don’t you wanna call me Speedlock, Mom?
Me: Ummm…Sure! Now that you mention it.
I pondered the 5 baby name books I bought the day I learned I was pregnant. I remembered racing home with my Barnes & Noble bag and anxiously cracking the first spine. I read the baby naming guides in each. I thought about syllable count and rhythmic beats. I made ever-changing lists, carefully culling anything that might be viewed as effeminate or might prove too difficult for a child learning to spell. I thought of how this child’s name would look on a diploma, a business card, underneath the presidential seal. In short, I devoted a huge amount of time and energy to making sure this boy’s moniker was uniquely and perfectly suited to any endeavor his future might hold. Somehow I overlooked “Living Room Racer.”
That night, as I sang “Rock-a-bye Speedlock” and tucked his ducky blanket under his chin, I realized something. Even if I had called my oldest son Grover or Conway or Biff, his light would still shine and I would still have moments when love wells up so strongly, it feels as if my chest will surely break open from the weight of it. So whether he calls himself Dinosaur Killer or Speedlock or maybe even Jack, I’ll still call him wonderful and thank heaven every day that he’s mine.
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– July 28, 2009
Prepare yourselves for an intense geek session, folks, ’cause I’m about to unveil a guilty pleasure. For those of you not in tune with Cartoon Network’s Avatar: the Last Airbender, let me clue you in. It. Is made of. AWESOME!! Well-developed, multi-dimensional characters. Fantastic storyline. It’s got everything: Romance, Revenge, Redemption. It was only a matter of time until someone made a movie of it, and M. Night Shyamalan wisely chose this as his vehicle out of Suck-town (What? You still call it The Village?). Watch the trailer below, then mark your calendars.
Note: Please do not confuse this bit of fabulosity with James Cameron’s Avatar that he unveiled at Comic-con. Maybe they saw a different trailer than I did, but I was deeply underwhelmed.
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– July 27, 2009
I have admit, this cake made me laugh out loud — cause that’s just the way my mind works I suppose. If they’re rolling this out for the first anniversary, I shudder to think about the festivities for their 50th. For more fantastically FUBAR cakes, check out my blog roll at right and visit Cake Wrecks — the funniest blog ever built around frosting.
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– July 27, 2009
Backstory: Jack spent the weekend with his grandparents last month. They went to his favorite Mexican restaurant, as always, where Jack struck up a flirtation with the hostess.
“I think she wants to go on a date with me!” he told his grandmother excitedly.
“Really?” Maw maw Linda asked. “Because I think that boy she’s talking to is her boyfriend.”
“Whoa!” Jack grumbled. “That’s not good!” But reality didn’t get in the way of him referring to the hostess as his girlfriend by the time they headed home.
Fast forward three weeks. The whole family was visiting the grandparents, and we chose the most kid-friendly lunch spot we could think of — Jack’s favorite Mexican restaurant. Midway through our meal, he leaned over to his grandmother and asked, “Isn’t that my girlfriend over there?”
“I think so,” Maw Maw Linda agreed.
“I’m gonna go talk to her,” Jack said as he slipped from his chair.
“No sir! You’re going to finish your quesedilla,” insisted Maw Maw Linda. Jack thumped back into his seat, his face a dark cloud of disappointment. Relenting, she added, “You can talk to her when we get up to pay the check.”
After our meal, I began gathering up the rest of my brood with the help of both grandparents while Jason and Jack made their way to the counter. As he handed over our ticket and cash, he realized Jack was clinging to the back of his legs, peeking shyly out at the hostess. Jason’s heart broke a little as he watched the scene unfold. “Don’t grow up yet, buddy!” he begged silently. Wanting nothing more than to pull him close and hold him like the baby we still know him to be, he could only look on as Jack screwed up his courage and stepped boldly forward. The hostess smiled at him inquiringly, clearly not quite able to place her swain from so many weeks before. Jack returned her smile, and said quietly, “It’s nice to see you again.”
“What’s that hon?” the hostess asked.
He leaned forward a bit and repeated the line he must have been rehearsing through much of our meal, “It’s nice to see you again.”
“It’s nice to see you again, too!” she replied, obviously flattered. “That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard!”
Pleased to have accomplished his goal, Jack simply grinned and waved goodbye as together we headed out into the bright heat of a July afternoon. But Jack, perhaps replaying his moment of triumph, marched a few paces ahead, a happy smile lighting up his already angelic face.
So we have a taste of our future, a brief glimpse of a day that I know must come. As I tearily write these words, I can’t help but be proud of my brave, loving, wonderful boy. He’ll make some lucky girl quite a catch…someday. And I’ll do all I can to ensure that someday doesn’t come a moment too soon.
Posted in Kids, Parenting, Uncategorized.
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– July 27, 2009
‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman signs a reality-TV deal for her kids. Then days later expresses “regret” for having “screwed up” her life and the lives of her children with her record breaking birth. To which I can only say, “No @#$%, Sherlock!” while waving a one-fingered salute at my computer screen. I told you this would happen!!
Thankfully, no networks have yet been willing to touch this series with a 10-foot pole. We can only hope that the almost certain implosion of Jon & Kate + 8 will leave America with little desire to watch what is sure to be a modern day circus sideshow.
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– July 25, 2009
So are we gonna replace the eagle motif with images of Porky Pig? Check out this article from the NY Times.
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– July 25, 2009
Jack deposited his stuffed dragon at my feet and stood there silently, watching me as I worked.
“Hi,” I said, for lack of a better opening.
“Hi,” Jack replied, an air of cool nonchalance about him. Reminiscent of a young Paul Newman, I thought.
“Nice dragon you’ve got there.”
“Thanks,” Jack said, placing one foot on the dragon’s back and leaning his elbow on his bent knee. He made a great show of examining his fingernails before continuing, “He’s my pet.”
“Oh, really? So does that mean you’re a knight then?”
“Yup,” he expounded, looking around him as if to confirm there was no one to challenge his newfound rank.
“Ooh…” I enthused. “So you must get to wear shiny armor and everything!”
He straightened, obviously about to deliver a vital bit of news. “Yeah, and I’ve got a sword, too,” he bragged.
“You do?”
As if noticing his empty hands for the first time, he added quickly, “It’s in my car right now.”
That’s funny… I keep my bestselling novel in the same place.
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– July 24, 2009
