Like a lunch date with your girlfriends…minus all the empty calories
Will ran up to me while I was folding clothes. Wide-eyed and gripping his privates, he demanded, “Mom! I go pee pee potty.”
I turned to Jack who was lounging nearby, “Hey, babe. Go unlock the gate for Will to go potty, please.”
“Aaawww!” Jack whined as he slouched toward the doorway. “I’m tired of working for you!”
After I managed to stop laughing, I thought Kid, if you’re thinking of handing in your two weeks notice…GET IN LINE!!
Posted in Uncategorized.
rev="post-729" 9 comments
– September 10, 2009
Here’s one of the weirder articles I’ve read lately. Apparently, a church in Florida has determined that Pepsi is for gay people, and Coke is for straights. I say the world would be a much happier place if everyone would just switch to fountain Mountain Dew, which God made for everyone to enjoy in peace and harmony (unless you break in front of me in line, in which case I will cut you).
Posted in Rants & Raves.
rev="post-733" 1 comment
– September 9, 2009
Check. It. OUT! Look up at the top of your screen where you typed in my web address. Do you see the little olive? Isn’t it completely awesome??? It’s called a favicon, and that one is mine. Love it!
But now, I really feel compelled to do more drinking posts where I share cool cocktail recipes and such, but lately it’s been more like
Wine? Check.
Recliner? Check.
Laptop? Check.
Party in my head? Always!
Posted in Rants & Raves.
rev="post-732" 1 comment
– September 9, 2009
Forget about bringing “sexy” back, Justin. Could we maybe focus on bringing togas back instead? This just occurred to me as I sit staring at a mountain of very tiny clothing. Clothing that I have to fold in the next 3.5 minutes before it is officially so wrinkled that it must be ironed — a special little layer of hell all to itself.
As I contemplated this herculean task, this insurmountable objective, this colossal conglomeration of clothing (isn’t alliteration fun?), I realized how much easier my life with laundry would be if it were all just sheets and towels. Because I can do sheets and towels. In fact, I’d even say I was gifted with a fitted sheet.
But once you force me to move beyond the wonderfully sensible world of rectangles, then the train just runs right off the rails. The tiny t-shirts, tiny shorts, itty-bitty socks and comic book colored underwear…it’s just too much! Too many angles. Too many hems and stitches and wrinkly, uncooperative bits. I’m getting a headache just looking at it!
This is where the Greeks had it right (not the bit with the animal sacrifice and rogering of close relatives…let’s just ignore that part for the sake of this discussion). They boiled clothing down to its essence. A big rectangle artfully draped, and Voila! You’re ready for work…for an outing…for a fancy-dress party. Always in style, never overdressed. Really, what more could you ask for in a single piece of clothing?
And since we’ve established that Sam prefers to go commando if given the slightest provocation (as seen both here and here), it just stands to reason that togas are the way to go. In fact, I could recycle all those old crib sheets we don’t use anymore. Ha! How green is that idea?
Throw in som Marxist rhetoric, and maybe I’ll get appointed as the new Green Jobs Czar. As long as there’s no laundry in the job description, I’m IN!!!
Posted in Family & Relationships, Kids, Uncategorized.
rev="post-726" No comments
– September 9, 2009
The First Hour:
Me — Who’s my wittle puppy dog? Are you the smart boy? Can you fetch? You’re so cute when you say ‘Arf, arf.’
The Second Hour:
Me — O.k. let’s stop being a dog now. It’s time for lunch, alright? That’s enough of that. Let’s stop barking. No more barking, Will.
The Third Hour:
Me — Please…for the love of all that is holy…STOP BARKING! I’ll take you to the toy store. You wanna go get a Thomas Train? Just say yes. Say yes. Don’t bark it. Say it. SAY IT!!
Day’s End:
Me: ARF!
Posted in Uncategorized.
rev="post-721" 2 comments
– September 7, 2009
Jack reached the top of the stairs and gave the dog a big hug. Speaking like an old fashioned radio announcer, he said, “Welcome to I Love My Dog!” then proceeded to wrestle, hug, pat and otherwise plague the dog down the hall. His loyal followers — Sam, Tom and Will — trotted close behind.
In an undertone Jason continued Jack’s dialogue. “Welcome to I Love My Dog! In this episode, mommy and daddy throw themselves off a cliff!”
I couldn’t help laughing. Only 4 hours into the day, and already I was wondering how we could possibly hope to get through the entire weekend without the respite of pre-school. The fights had been fiercer, the tantrums more terrible and the sassiness sassier than ever before. All thanks to the break in routine that is a holiday weekend.
It might be easier to endure were it not for the constant scrambling of our eardrums. They squeal with joy. They screech with surprise. They scream in disappointment or anger. They yell for attention. They howl with rage. They aren’t even truly silent when they sleep.
Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I heard a clock tick? Or soft music playing? The sound of my own breathing? So long, I can’t even remember.
And while most of the time, I have little difficulty focusing on the funny/positive, I’m pretty sure I’d find this all a helluva lot more laughable if I were recalling it while sipping cocktails on a deserted beach in the caribbean. *sigh*
But I will concede, that Sam’s insistence on stripping himself naked at odd intervals, then jumping up and down and giggling at the parts of himself that jiggle almost made me forget all the rough spots that went before.
Happy Labor Day, everybody!
Posted in Uncategorized.
rev="post-723" 2 comments
– September 6, 2009
Suddenly, inexplicably, I am fifteen again. And this. Is. Hilarious.
Posted in Uncategorized.
rev="post-719" No comments
– September 4, 2009
Yesterday, we got a post-card addressed to the elderly former owner of our home. It was an advertisement from a company called Vantage Deluxe World Travel. On the front was a gorgeous photograph of an ancient castle overlooking a sapphire blue river. It made me long to go there. So just for grins, I went on the internet and googled their name. All fantasies promptly ended when I read this. If you know any seniors who love to travel, please make them aware of this company’s reputation. Apparently, seniors are their favorite victims.
This has been a public service announcement from The Drunch. Don’t worry, mindless nonsense will soon follow.
Posted in Uncategorized.
rev="post-716" 3 comments
– September 3, 2009
And now for your viewing pleasure: (it’s funnier with the sound off)
Posted in Uncategorized.
rev="post-713" 2 comments
– September 3, 2009
5:45 — Trips are up. Jack is still asleep. Consider waking him up just so we can all suffer together.
6:00 — Potty time finished and new pull-ups on. Sam and Tom immediately pee themselves.
6:15 — Breakfast on the table. Two Apple Jacks and One Cheerios. Still no sign of Jack.
6:45 — Jack shows up and demands sausage biscuits instead of cereal (@#$%!!! I know where this will lead).
6:48 — Trips see Jack’s sausage biscuits and each want one of their own despite the fact that 1) they’ve just eaten cereal and 2) they all hate sausage biscuits.
6:50 — Prepare more sausage biscuits and distribute to Sam, Tom and Will only to be told immediately, “I don-wike-it, mommy.”
7:00 — After suitable waiting period in which no food is consumed, throw uneaten sausage biscuits in garbage.
7:15 — Enjoying the cartoon hour by catching up on e-mail, blog comments (I LOVE blog comments).
7:16 — Will re-enters the room sans pants. Notice both he and Sam are soaking wet, and there is a tell tale sign of poop lingering on Will’s bum.
7:16 – 7:30 — Retrace their path. Find pooled water around bathroom sink and dog’s water bowl. Cannot locate dirty pull-up but am assured through limited vocabulary and expansive sign language that said pull-up is now in the garbage and it’s contents flushed down the toilet. Clean up of Will, Sam and bathroom floor complete.
7:30 to 7:45 — Mommy breakfast. Warm SlimFast. Mmmmm. (*gag*) And more cartoons.
7:45 to 8:00 — Outfits assembled for all four boys. Underwear donned. Socks and shoes distributed.
8:00 — Just finishing dressing the last boy in line when Sam shoves a crumpled paper towel under my nose, narrowly missing my face. Inside?–a turd.
8:00 to 8:20 — Hysterical screaming. Fruitless demands to be apprised of any further hidden turd locations. Current turd placed in garbage and all garbage removed to outside cans as a precaution.
8:25 — Notice Sam is eating a sausage biscuit. Weren’t all the sausage biscuits in the garbage with the turd?
8:25 to 8:28 — Hysterical screaming, followed by discovery that Sam actually hid his sausage biscuit ration in the kitchen, and so it’s probably o.k. to let him finish it.
8:29 — Realize I need to use the bathroom. Determine that there is no way I’m leaving these crazies unguarded so plan to put it off as long as possible.
8:35 — Decide wetting own pants a possibility. Opt to risk a bathroom break. Warn Sam not to feed the dog the rest of his sausage biscuit.
8:35:30 — Jack barges into the bathroom to inform me the dog has just thrown up. Guess why.
8:36 to 8:45 — Hysterical screaming.
9:00 — School Dropoff. I shed tears of pure joy as I drive away. Realize it’s only 4 hours until pickup. Progress to uncontrollable weeping, then head home to spend two of those precious hours disinfecting the entire first floor of my house.
Isn’t it 5:00 SOMEWHERE????
Posted in Uncategorized.
rev="post-709" 5 comments
– September 2, 2009
