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Boys Are Gross

I was sure of it at 5. And I have to say that the last 30 years have only solidified this believe. Honestly, the last five years have provided all the evidence I need to assert with authority that boys are totally disgusting. Since becoming a mother, I’ve cleaned up projectile vomit and projectile poop. I’ve admonished children to use a tissue rather than their sleeve, or worse — my dining room wall. I’ve scraped unidentified articles out of mouths determined to consume them. I’ve washed hands, scrubbed faces and blown noses more times than I can count. And I enter a public restroom like a general entering a war zone.

Don’t touch that!

Don’t sit there!

Wash your hands!

Use soap!

All in a fruitless effort to avoid germs and the subsequent sickness they bring.

It was hard enough when they were toddlers, but now we’ve entered a new era. This one includes squirming lizards, wiggly worms, and absolutely positively any wildlife — either living or *gulp* long dead.  For instance, tonight I herded everyone downstairs to brush their teeth before bed. I was about to leave them to it, and begin collecting pajamas, but Tom needed help with getting the toothpaste onto his brush. I quickly changed course, and began applying Thomas the Train toothpaste to his green Snoopy toothbrush when a strange object caught my eye. Nestled between the toothbrush holder and the hot water tap was an odd looking toy. Sort of brownish and wrinkly, with a strange sort of smile. I looked closer and realized it wasn’t so much a smile as a grimace. How odd, I thought to myself. It almost looked like…

“Oh my Lord! Is that thing REAL!” I shrieked. Four innocent sets of eyes looked back at me. Well.. there was a fifth set, but it wasn’t so much looking as it was staring. Rigor will do that to a frog.

“What…? Where did…? Oh, what is WRONG with you people?!?” I blathered.

“Tom did it.” Jack said matter of factly.

By that time, Jason had sprinted downstairs to see what all the screaming was about. With a sigh, and what I felt was a completely unnecessary eye roll, he removed the offending creature, muttering under his breath, “It’s just a little frog.”

Just a little frog!! Just a little dried up, dead as a doornail frog. Snuggled up right beside the toothbrushes, no less!

This is the last straw. I give up. They can eat dirt, touch a public toilet and poke dead stuff with sticks to a fare thee well. I don’t care anymore. Now, please excuse me. I have to go wash my hands again and disinfect my toothbrush — in case frog germs can spread upstairs and around corners. Just because I live with a pack animals doesn’t mean I have to become one.

Posted in Family & Relationships, Kids.


I’m Phat

And no, I’m not referencing a failed diet (although, I suppose if the shoe fits…because heaven knows the pants don’t. *sigh*). No I’m “Phat” because I’m one of the lucky few that managed to purchase this month’s Phat Fiber Sampler. Those of you who haven’t been bitten by the knitting bug probably aren’t even concerned enough to click the link, but for those of you in the know, I’d just like to say…”Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah! I got one! I got one!” Seriously, this is a big honkin’ deal here people. Every box, I’m talkin’ every…single…box was GONE from the Etsy site in under two minutes. The demand for these little gems is certifiably insane.

What’s the appeal? Variety, my friends. You get samples of luxury yarns and fibers — enough to knit and spin your heart out and determine if you’d like to order more, all from cool independent artisans like these guys. PLUS there’s lots of surprises like nifty notions and whatnot. I hope my box arrives on a sunny day so I can dutifully photograph each fabulous piece. Until then, just know I’ll be watching my mailbox like a hawk. Victory!!

Posted in Knits & Knots.

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A-GO-NY

This hurts me. It really, really does. But now that I’ve almost completed my very nearly perfect Pekin-esque cardigan, I can see a glaring error in the original Pekin pinafore I knit first. See it?

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Yeah…it’s pretty hard to miss. I noticed it as I was binding off that panel, but thought it was something I could fix in the blocking stage. Nope. Looks like I lost my row count and skipped a few lines of pattern. Now I get to disassemble the whole thing, redo that panel, then put it all back together again. Excuse me… (*turns head and clutches throat*) O.k., sorry. I just had to throw up a little bit in my mouth.

On the upside, I must be really good at weaving in ends, because I cannot find those suckers anywhere. *sigh*

Posted in Knits & Knots.


Dear Universe…

…I rock. Pretty hard in fact. Here’s unequivocal proof.

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I know. I know. Sure I said I was going to keep Sophia’s project a secret until she received it in the mail and was photographed in it herself. But this is for her yet-to-arrive baby sister, Lola. And since Lola probably won’t be able to wear this until next spring, I was unable to stop myself from showing off right now — essentially the instant I got it blocked on my ancient and rickety ironing board in my poorly lit laundry room. Whatever…it still looks great and I am shamelessly proud of myself. Wanna know what I did? Good…because I’m dying to tell you.

I took the lace pattern from Sophia’s pinafore (o.k. so I’m spilling all the beans, but I’m not even sorry), then I found a baby cardigan that had the right stitch count and went to town cobbling the two together. Unfortunately, I failed to see the problem of pairing a top down raglan bodice with a bottom up lace pattern until it was too late (if you try to knit the lace top down from the bodice it just makes waves). So, in the end, I had to knit to the bottom of the bodice, put those stitches on a holder, then go knit the lace portion from the bottom up. Then I kitchener stitched the whole thing together right in the middle. Can you tell? Please say no, because I’ve almost dislocated my shoulder patting myself on the back over this one. Of course, if I attempt this again, you can be darn sure I’ll find some other bodice that can be knit from the bottom up.

All I have left is to crochet the finishing bits around the neck and sleeves, then Voila! an original masterpiece is finished. I’m going to wait and pop both in the mail at the same time. I hope you’re getting excited, Tamara, because I can hardly wait!

Posted in Knits & Knots.


I’d Like to Thank the Academy…

So as I sat finishing up a sleeve on a baby cardigan this morning, I let my mind wander where it would. Pretty soon I was composing my acceptance speech just in case I’m offered a surprise academy award (What? Luck favors the prepared, right?). It was all pretty vague beyond thanking God, my family, the Academy…and, of course, the makers of Royal Cup Coffee. Because let’s face it, without them I wouldn’t accomplish one @#$% thing.

Posted in Uncategorized.


Did you ever have a really great idea…

…that turned out to be way better in theory than in practice?

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Me too! There’s a very good reason there are poems and stories lauding the feel of sand, water, and mud between your toes, but absolutely none about woolen sock yarn. It was worth it, though. Because now I have roughly 450 meters of gorgeousness that I plan to make up into this lovely bit of lace and wear proudly on every occasion that calls for something special.

Posted in Knits & Knots.


Mystery Project Completed!

For you faithful few who read to the end of my fiasco post, you may remember I started an entirely different project to restore my faith in myself and my knitting abilities. A TOP SECRET project, in fact, intended for the oldest daughter of my BFF, Tamara. And until Sophia receives it and has her picture made in it, I can’t show you the finished result. It’s killing me. Kill. Ing. Me! Because it’s really, really awesome. Strangely, I think I’m proudest of the side seams because it’s my first time to mattress stitch anything together. So here, for your viewing pleasure are the side seams. Outside:

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And in:

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They’re not absolutely perfect because I had to do slightly fewer stitches on the second panel to get the length to match up with the first, but somehow it all came together fairly well and any easing that needed to be done happened under the arms so it’s fairly invisible. I’m thrilled with this project and actually had FUN with lace stitches. Miracles do happen. Now off to slog away at the MILES of stocking stitch required for the linen tunic I’m making myself for summer (Leisl by Julie Weisenberger for coco knits). Hopefully I won’t fall asleep mid stitch.

To keep it interesting (and because Will has been sick and has stayed in my lap literally the entire day) I let Will hold the right-hand needle and just guided it for him for a few stitches. I think I’m seeing real talent already. If I can just get the other boys to follow suit, I’m seriously considering opening my own sweatshop. Further updates as events warrant.

Posted in Knits & Knots.

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Today is the Greatest…

…day I’ve ever known. Or at least in the top 20 and I don’t mean that in a snarky Smashing Pumpkins kind of way (Did you fail to recognize the reference? Where were you in the 90s?). I sincerely had a rockin’ sort of day. Today was the boys’ Easter Egg Hunt at school. Sunshine and 75 degrees this morning. Who could ask for more? Went to lunch with my Mother-in-law, then we both went shopping for sandals because. Ta daaa!!!

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Today was the first day the toes came out of their forced winter hibernation in closed-toe shoes. A lovely new pedi was de rigeur. Glorious! Then we picked up all the boys from school and spent the afternoon strolling around the zoo. How could it get any better? It couldn’t. Unless this…

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was waiting in the mailbox. I was thrilled to find I’d won a contest over at Bellsknits.com and just received my gorgeous prize in the mail today — all the way from faraway Australia. It reeked of exotic shores and frequent flyer miles. Oh and large, tree-dwelling rodents.

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And look at that! They’re possums! We’ve got plenty of those. Makes Australia seem almost like a neighbor — like Mississippi or Georgia. Maybe I should send her some stone-ground grits in return.

But I digress. Inside I found a host of surprises. Including a lovely card (we’re officially pen-pals now), a lip balm (one of my favorite goodies) and the most delicious skein of yarn you’ve ever seen.

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Doesn’t that color just look like a juicy summer sorbet? Now I get to spend the next month puzzling over just what to turn it into. Sure it’s sock yarn and it would make a fair amount of sense to knit it up into a lovely pair of socks — which I may well do. But did Michelangelo look at that slab of marble and immediately say, “Yup…David.” I think not. I’m betting it was going to be a kitty or a dolphin at some point in the creative process. You just never know where the muse will take you.

But until I can come up with the perfect project, I’ll happily wear my strawberry flavored lip balm courtesy of Bells and knitabulous yarn.

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Thanks so much, Bells. You were the chocolate ganache on a fudgy chocolate cake of a day.

Posted in Knits & Knots, Uncategorized.


I Quit!

I have had it. I spent a ridiculous amount on this lovely silk mohair with beads and sequins.

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So when the first pattern proved a bit too ticky (i.e. I tried it three times and had to pick it all out each time). I decided to take a time out and regroup. I mean, I’ve blown a serious chunk out of my spring clothing budget, so churning out a garment is not optional. I then decided to make my own shrug pattern — knit a rectangle, crochet an edge then join the right top corner to the right bottom corner, left to left and Baddabing! Baddaboom! You have a shrug. Should be a no brainer, particularly if I pick a simple lace pattern, right?

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Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Oh so very, very wrong. Going by stitch count (and the fact that row 11 has two stitches too many), I have apparently yarned over two times too many on row 9. But having “read” the row repeatedly, I still can’t find anything wrong. And after frogging the same 10 feet of  thread about 5 times now, my latest plan is to teach the boys the fine art of drop kicks as we punt the THREE HORRIFICALLY EXPENSIVE (!!!) balls of yarn around the yard.

Actually, I’m going to push it to the darkest recesses of my yarn stash and try to forget about it for a while. Instead, I’m going to begin work on a top secret kid project. Although, I don’t know how top secret it’ll stay once I have to ask her to measure her oldest daughter for fit. Oh, well. At least the finished look will be a surprise. So when you read this, Tamara, call me with Sophia’s measurements. Okay?

Posted in Uncategorized.


Drunch Date

Many of you know that I named this blog as a joking nod to the wonder of “The Drinking Lunch.” But really, it’s less about imbibing than it is about spending time with those friends that make the leap from buddy status to being the sister or brother you would have chosen if given the chance (and if my actual sisters are reading this, of course I mean in addition to y’all).

Today the stars aligned so I could spend an a full hour and a half with my soul sister B, and I swear it did more for me than a week at the beach without kids — And y’all know I would not throw that out lightly as a week at the beach without kids is a nearly constant fantasy. B is one of those friends who, after patiently listening to me recount in blistering detail the latest stupid thing I did to publicly humiliate myself, will sympathize appropriately then say, “Well…this should make you feel better about yourself…” and proceed to relate  an equally cringe-worthy tale of good intentions on horribly, irrevocably wrong. That, people, is true friendship.

We swapped stories, laughed until diet coke spewed out our noses, and snarfed down a sickening amount of baked feta on toasted french bread (*wipes drool from chin*). I entered the building certain of only three things 1) that my house was a shambles 2) all four of my children would never willingly eat anything prepared by my two hands and 3) there was a strong likelihood that at least one of my children would one day reveal to his prison therapist how the trouble all began the day I made him wear the fish shirt to pre-school when he rightfully deserved the doggie shirt his brother got.*  But I  left feeling as if my reset button had been pressed and my mind was once again operating on its original factory settings.

As I write, the house is still a shambles. There’s a gigantic pile of kid clothes to be washed and another enormous basket in need of folding. And my list of projected errands for the week exceeds the number of hours the kids are in school. And you know what? I don’t care. Because I know I’m not alone. We’re all winging it and hoping that loving our children with all our heart and soul makes up for all those times when we don’t just drop the ball but forget to even go to the game.

Here’s wishing you a BFF just like B or Kimmy or Tamara or Jen or Tricia or Leslie or…

*Incidentally — All four kids loved their dinner. They were thrilled with the new Laurie Berkner CD I got them and happily danced themselves silly in their pjs. And fish-shirt boy? He chose my lap as the best spot for an hour long nap this afternoon and looked like the sweetest of all the angels in heaven — provided angels snore and sleep in knit caps with their names on them.

Posted in Family & Relationships, Kids, Parenting, Uncategorized.